Funny story

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

WHY LADIES MUST KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH


One day, an Ang Moh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok"). The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted.

Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her. The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!". So he asked, "Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.

The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay),
and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" . He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck them.

The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" (help... in malay). The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-S.H.I.T)

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

Queen Elizabeth, George Bush and L.P died and went all to Hell.
Queen Elizabeth said: I miss England, I wanna call England and see how everybody is doing there....she called and talked for about 5 minutes...then she said: well, devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil goes: five million dollars...She made him a check.

Bush was so jealous, he starts screaming, me too I wanna call the United States, he called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said: well, devil how much do I owe you? The devil goes: ten million dollars..... he made
him a check.

P. was extremely soooo jealous too...he starts screaming, I wanna call Vietnam too, he called Vietnam and he talked for about twenty hours, he kept talking and talking and talking.... then he said: well, devil, how much
do I owe you????
The devil goes: one dollar..... only one dollar!
P. wonders: This is so cheap !!
The devil goes: Well, from hell to hell it's a local call.

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)




Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator: You are ! talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

Which one?

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."


MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

BillGates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as avice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

[LSB-PhongThienVu]

After the successful establishment of the first University, FPT corporation launched its second private university in Vietnam, FPT University of Computer Knowledges (F.U.C.K). F.U.C.K students (a.k.a F.U.C.Kers) will be provided with the lastest IT falcilities, including the wireless broadband service from a unit of FPT Telecom, WiMax for Home and Office Remote Extension (W.H.O.R.E). W.H.O.R.E is responsible for ensuring that F.U.C.Kers are always in ready condition to study new technologies and techniques.

FPT's biggest company, FPT Integration Service, has changed its focus to High-techs solutions only, and changed its name to FPT Integration Service of High-technology (F.I.S.H). F.I.S.H has researched and developed its own network deployment methodology, System Hard Integration Techniques (S.H.I.T). During 2010, more than 300 companies in Vietnam have used S.H.I.T to build their information systems. Many companies even modified and improved S.H.I.T to adapt with their own scenarios. The most notable case is Baoviet with Baoviet Unified Legacy Logics S.H.I.T (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T was rewarded "S.H.I.T of the year" by F.I.S.H.

FPT Distribution Channels also made remarkable improvement in 2010 with 2 new programmes: Distribution and Introduction Channel Knowledgebase (D.I.C.K) and Product User Satisfaction SurveY (P.U.S.S.Y). While D.I.C.K aims at providing potential customers a comprehensive database of FDC's services, products, distribution network and showrooms, P.U.S.S.Y collects customers feedbacks to measure the efficiency and profitability of each channel. D.I.C.K and P.U.S.S.Y are 2 undetachable parts and contribute a lot to FDC's successes. Both of them are products of F.U.C.Kers but P.U.S.S.Y utilizes W.H.O.R.E’s infrastructure to simplify the data gathering process.

FPT Mobile has cooperated with Hutchison to distribute the latest 3rd generation mobile phones and to bring into operation a 3G network. FPT Mobile has converted a lot of users from other mobile phone networks to its 3G service. 2009,2010 and 2011 are the 3-G Aggregation YearS (3-GAYS) for FPT Mobile.

FPT Software Solution, the least known company, has made incredible achievements with a security system to protect software users from possible attacks, namely Application Security System for Home, Orgranisations and Large Enterprises (A.S.S.H.O.L.E). A.S.S.H.O.L.E is adopted quickly by domestic companies just as S.H.I.T was and brough millions of dollars of revenue for FSS.

Finally, while other FPT companies focus on technology advancement and customer satisfaction, FPT Software's strategy is to increase profit by reducing human factor overhead in software processes. The most important activity was development of a technology that can automatically audit and patch software products. The system is called Software Upgrade and Correction Kits (S.U.C.K) and is still in beta. At the moment, it is being evaluated by selected users (S.U.C.Kers) . Most of current S.U.C.Kers are F.U.C.Kers

[Sử Tiến]

Brandt: He just explained this, you stupid Australian.
Sven: But I'm Hungarian.
Brandt: Well, if you're so hungry, eat me!

(Brandt to Sven in Frostbite)

By the way, PhongThienVu, your first and eighth post are too much f for a joke.

[hoangkimvolam]

troi toan viet tieng anh the kia thi em chiu roai em ngu tieng anh lam